Identify the situation in which you need to exert your assertiveness. For Example., when you need to say “no”. Please identify what you want from that communication when you are being sidelined in a queue, when your request is ignored in a shop, or when your spouse refuses to do their share of housework. Use “I” statements…” I feel”,and “I think”Be clear about your needs and communicate slowly without using labels. Communicate what you can offer and be clear about curbing expectations and setting boundaries. Repeat like a broken record if required practice at home.
For example, your relative wants you to give him 10,000 rupees for his son’s wedding. You want to refuse but feel bad about communicating this to him.You can practice a similar script at home and communicate this with him.“ I am sorry that I cannot give the specified amount for your son’s wedding. I understand this is important to you, but it is not possible. As a pre-weddinggift, I can offer 1000 rupees.” (It has an I statement, a clear NO, acknowledging THEIR needs but communicating yours and negotiating a midway. Curbing expectations and setting boundaries are part of the process). Any attempts to repeatedly ask for 10,000 rupees should be communicated with a similar script again, like a BROKEN RECORD. Regulating your emotions goes a long way in building your assertiveness.
Close your eyes for 2 minutes and take 3-5 deep breaths.
Once relaxed, concentrate on PHYSICAL SENSATIONS as it is easier to identify physical sensations. Now trace it back to an EMOTION it might be associated with. Core emotions are HAPPINESS, SADNESS, FEAR AND ANGER. Now, identify which inhibitory emotion you are using to mask the CORE EMOTION. Is it SHAME, ANXIETY or GUILT? Note down any thoughts you have now and write “I think….”Lie down in a quiet and calm place and start with a few rounds of deep breathing. Think of ONE thought or a situation in which you struggle to be assertive. Now tense all the muscles of your body.
Think of the thought you are struggling to be assertive. Can you accept it? What percentage can you take the thought?Now relax all your muscles and have a “welcoming” and open attitude in your mind. Now, think of the idea you are struggling to accept. How much easier can you take it? What percentage can you receive now? Check how you feel ( rate from 1-10 – 1 very good to 10 very bad).
Sit comfortably and keep one hand on your stomach and one on your chest. Breathe in for a count of 6 and ensure that the hand on the abdomen moves more than one on the chest. Breathe out to a count of 6. Now check how you feel (rate from 1-10 – 1 very good to 10 very bad). Increase self-esteem and positive self-love by giving yourself constant positive self-suggestions to increase assertiveness.
Write down ONE positive quality about yourself and WHY you deserve love daily. It has to be realistic and believable. It can be something like a work in progress. Example., “I am kind and caring, but sometimes I do not express my kindness well. I should work on it so that people around me feel listened to and loved…”.
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